It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm sorry, new bloggy. I've been neglecting you. I'm sure you are very, very hungry. But it's okay! Daddy's here to feed you! Now, what do you want exactly to eat?

Oh, you want to hear about Mairead, do you? I'm sorry, bloggy, but the constant writing about that topic may permanently be a thing of the past. There isn't really anything to write about her anymore. I'm not in love with her. Sure, I'm still deeply in love with the memory of what she used to be and what we used to have together, but those times have long since passed. She's just another person to me now.

Come on, bloggy, I know there must be something else you want! I can't dwell on things of the past forever, you know! Well, fine, maybe there is something.

Friday night, after viewing John Hallberg's movie premiere at the high school, I had a couple of friends over. It's the first time that has happened since.... Damn, I can't even remember, it's been so long. Anyway, Ely Ashby was one of those friends. He kept telling me that he had something important to say to me, and when he finally got the chance, he did.

He's had a very large crush on Mairead for a long time. The times he comforted me when I felt rejected by Mairead finally make sense now. He told me that he understands how I feel more than I think. He never had what Mairead and I had together, and he never felt the feeling of being totally rejected by her, but it is still good to know that he empathized on a small level at the time.

He approached me because he still thought that I cared for Mairead, and he didn't want to ruin our friendship in any way if he were to ask her out. I assured him that Mairead means nothing to me now, other than a friend.

There is a small part of me that still absolutely hates Mairead for how she made me feel, and I know this is normal. There is also the part of me that can't help but remember the beautiful times we shared, and still feels a twinge of happiness and excitement when I see her face. I ignore both of these. I put them far, far back on the bottom shelf of the filing cabinet of my mind. I pretend that they don't exist, and I act like she is a friend to me, with no strings attached. But I still feel tense when we are together alone, and I believe she feels the same way to some extent. It's almost all an act, this friendship, and I'm getting very good at perfecting it. And when I don't feel like acting, I try to pretend she isn't there. It's a system that appears to be working for me for the time being.

I wish we had never had the love we shared, because then I'm sure I would be very good friends with Mairead. There would be no tenseness or awkwardness.

Anyway, Ely wanted to make sure I was okay with him asking Mairead out, and I made it very clear to him that I don't care. Mairead is attracted to him as well. He made sure of this through her friends.

After Hunter and Mairead broke up, she started to date Malcolm Perry a lot more. Malcolm's a good friend of minie, but he's usually very silent and keeps his opinions to himself. From the outside, he seems like a person who doesn't have much of an opinion on many things, but I'm realizing more and more that he is, in fact, very opinionated.

Apparently, he wants to completely and utterly save himself for marriage. He wouldn't even kiss Mairead, and Mairead couldn't help but break up with him. I had wondered whether Mairead and him were up to anything at all, because they were inseperable if they were in the same room.

So now Ely is dreading the confrontation with Malcolm, who is one of his best friends.

And now I can truthfully say that I wish the best for the two of them. Hopefully, he won't become another tally mark like so many others. But, knowing Mairead and her inability to stay in love with a boy for long, he probably will. And when that time comes, then Ely will have a much better grasp of how I felt when I was rejected by her.

So, anyway.

POSITIVITY!

I need to go read "Far From The Madding Cry" now.