Indecision and Confusion

Yeah. Things and stuff.

Over the past few weeks, things keep coming to my head about what to write about. But I've been too lazy/apathetic/reluctant to actually convert them to words. And now that I actually feel like sitting down and writing, not much is on my mind anymore. I hate it when that happens.
Reading and thinking about this and the previous blogs that I've had, I'm realizing (Jesus Christ, it took you this long, Austen?) that Mairead is inevitably going to be the only thing I will ever really desire to write about on this blog. Though much, much less than before, she is still a pretty major part of my life and my thoughts.

After she started being a huge hyper-bitch to me, I decided I didn't care anymore. I realized my major flaw in the whole scenario is that I was trying so hard. Trying something out implies that you expect, at least partially, to succeed. I tried very hard to restore with Mairead the friendship that we once had, and was met with failure and disappointment, leaving me in a worse position than I had been before.

So I decided not only to no longer try, but to completely stay away from Mairead altogether. I made myself hate her, and I was pretty justified for it, I think. I didn't talk to her, I left the conversation if she became a part of it, and, if we ever crossed paths in the hallway or something, I would deliberately avoid eye contact. And it felt so good to hate her. It was so easy!

She didn't seem to be even slightly affected by any of this, and I didn't care about it. In a way, I had hoped for that to happen. It meant I could go on hating her without feeling any guilt. I figured she had just become a selfish bitch, and that that was the way she'd remain. I had completely given up on her. If someone said anything bad about her, I would inevitably agree.
This was partly just because I didn't want to be around her, but also a bit of an effort to make her feel like crap. I was sick of taking crap from her and putting up with it, not doing anything about it. And, over time, she has made me feel worse than I've ever felt in my life. I wanted to return those negative feelings.

And that was SO EASY. I found it so much easier to be around her, because I maintained a fuck-off attitude towards her, shown with my refusal to communicate with her. I felt so happy, knowing that she was a heartless bitch and that I could finally forget about her.
And then she did something shocking that completely shattered all of this. She apologized. I didn't think it could possibly happen. I didn't think she had even noticed or cared about my decision to no longer be affiliated with her.

She didn't show it openly, but she really did want me to start talking to her again. I thanked her for her apology, and gave her a hug. And that was the last time I talked to her. It was on Thursday. Today is Sunday.

This is greatly distressing to me, and equally relieving. It's distressing because I can't hate her without feeling guilty anymore, because I now know her not to be the heartless bitch that I thought she was.

And it's relieving because deep down, all that I wanted was for this whole thing to be resolved, and for her to recognize that she had done wrong, and seriously hurt me.

*sigh*

I guess we'll see how things go.

...

I was talking to Brittany Stephens. She told me that Mairead is still slightly attracted to me. I guess Mairead could have been frustrated with that, which is what caused her to be such a bitch to me.

...My situation is unfortunately similar. If this is the case, (and I certainly hope it isn't), then I can partially understand her viewpoint.

I am not attracted to Mairead in an intimate way anymore. But she's been too much a part of my life to be ignored. She is there, if not in plain sight, then in my head. Jeez, I had completely blocked her out of my mind. Any thought about her that I had was shoved into the back of my mind. And when she apologized, it was as if all those thoughts came racing back into existence, and they completely filled my brain up.

I'm going to stop before I start to ramble on too much.

*EDIT*

Oh, by the way, Mairead broke up with Ely. I gave him a high-five.

No News.

...Hey.

How's it going?

...

Nothing?

...

Well, I guess no news is good news, right?

...

...right?

...

Creative juice can flow at last
Without the aid of someone loved
Netsua has long since passed
And Brask remains a figment of

Imagination - all it is
Just a way to pass the time.
Just clever little aliases
And now they're gone and I feel fine.

She continues to make her list
Of boys she's loved - Just tally marks
It grows with every one she's kissed
She couldn't help but break their hearts.

Or maybe I'm the only one
Who felt like I had been betrayed
Maybe all the others simply
Went along their merry way

At last my eyes can finally see
She's just another teenage girl
Another girl that once loved me
She didn't really mean the world

She'll keep this game up for forever
At least she is aware of that
Aware of what she does to us
What seems good now won't stay intact.

FUCK!!!

Fuck.

I don't know.

Just Fuck.

A good word, yes?

What does 'fuck' mean to you?

How often do you use the word 'fuck'?

Have you ever fucked anyone?

Or been fucked by someone?

Fuck.

WTF.

How much longer will this shit last?

Shit.

What the fuck is happening?

This is fucking helpful.

The word 'fuck' certainly relieves some stress...

I wonder who I'll fuck tomorrow.

Fuck you all.

Fuck clouds.

Fuck your couch.

These memories fucking suck.

I wish they would all just fuck off and die.

I wish I never met that fucking bitch.

And never shared all the fucking awesome times we had together.

That way, I wouldn't feel so fucking annoyed by this.

What fucking wrong have I done?

Seriously, What the fuck?

Well, fuck.

Fuck all of this.

Fuck this stupid high-school cliche shitty situation.

...

That was helpful.

Needed to relieve a bit of stress somehow.

Oh, yeah, and FUCK VALENTINE'S DAY.

SO FUCKING BORED

Words cannot describe the amount of boredom and frustration I am feeling right now.

So I was fishing in Animal Crossing. After doing this for about an hour, I caught 10 red snappers, valued at 3,000 each. I made 30,000 Bells. I decided to go check up on my good friend Lily the Frog and see how she was doing in her cozy igloo. She asked if I wanted to play a game. I said, "Sure!". Then that bitch was like "HAHA I'M GONNA TAKE 39,000 OF YOUR BELLS AND GIVE YOU THIS REALLY CRAPPY WALLPAPER HAHA ISN'T THIS A FUN GAME?!?!".

...FUCK. That bitch wasted an hour of my life. I will do everything in my power to make that stupid amphibian get the hell out of Specter, if it's the last thing I do!

*sigh*

It's February 10 already. When the hell did it become February? And holy shit.... We're in an entirely new decade....

What the hell is going on? Where did 2009 go? I miss him...

My mind is registering a blank when I think of what to write about. The only real reason I started this was because I wanted to vent about how FUCKING STUPID LILY IS.

....Sorry, I'll calm down now.

It amazes me how little there is to do in this house. From Thursday to Monday, I was hanging out with Nigel at his dad's house in Maryland. I had access to high-speed internet and an epic game called Prototype for the 360 24/7. And now it's all gone. And I have no pot. Perhaps I should continue my plays....

...Or do something productive like the extensive amount of homework that will be due Monday.

Nah.

I need something to smash. Or maybe I'll go cook something. That usually passes the time.

But I'm not hungry, because I have no pot.

*shakes fist at sky*

DAMMIT, GOD! WHY MUST YOU PUT ME THROUGH THIS PAIN!? WHY ME, OF ALL PEOPLE? HOW COULD YOU PUT ME THROUGH THIS HELL? OH, SAVE ME PLEASE! IF YOU REALLY EXIST, GIVE ME A SIGN! ANYTHING TO HELP CURB THIS PAINFUL BOREDOM!

...

Well, I guess that proves it, then.

This sucks.