............

Mairead broke up with me today. Ely gave me a high-five.

Somebody To Love

I need somebody to love.

That's all I need. Somebody to pour out all of the emotion I have inside myself on. Someone to open my heart to. Someone who will stay by my side through thick and thin. Someone who loves me back, who cares about my feelings, who understands me, who opens up their heart to me.

But people suck. That's what it all boils down to. People just suck.

My life keeps changing. This is only temporary, this stage of life. Not too long from now, it will be just a memory.

I don't overthink things. No, I think of things on a very good level. I'm glad I'm so contemplative. It's the only thing keeping me sane.

Will I ever be able to open up my heart to anyone again?

Why is it that every time I get used to the life that I'm living, it has to go and change? I grew so used to the love Mairead and I shared so long ago, but then it ended, and I was devastated. Eventually, I grew used to it. Mairead came back, after a long period of silence. She rejected me, and, yet again, I was devastated. But it was okay, because I grew used to that too. Mairead and I became friends, and I became used to the fact that that would be all that we would ever be. I accepted it. It took me a long time, but I accepted it as the way things were. And then my life took another sharp turn.

I began hating Mairead, and I became so used to that too. I enjoyed it. It was easy. Nothing had ever felt so good. And then she apologized, ruining any hopes of me being able to justify hating her anymore.

Again, I was devastated. But I grew used to it. I became her friend once more. Again, I thought that would be the way things would remain forever.

Until we started messing around again.

I knew from the start that it could not end well. I knew that I would end up devastated again, as always. I was extremely reluctant to go back to her, and with good reason.

But I did. Inevitable, really.

I never grew used to the fact that we were somehow sustaining a 'relationship' without any sort of love involved. It was all physical. But I went along with it anyway.

And it started to tear me apart slowly. More and more pain built up over time as I came to realize that she didn't want me in the way I wanted her. I tried to ignore it. I tried to do what everyone's trying to do - just get by. I used marijuana to tune it all out. It helped, for the most part. I grew used to the fact that my opinons of her would continue flip-flopping back and forth, until she went to Italy and completely disappeared from my life.

Today, I made Mairead as aware as I could of what she's doing to me, and how cruel it is. I explained, to the best of my abilities, how I felt. But I didn't get to finish. Though I think my main point was clear, far too many things were left unsaid.

And I still don't think she gets it. I want to tell her more - to open up my heart one last time to her, but it will be hard. She's too wrapped up in herself. She can't understand my point of view. I want - and I need - somebody to love, and I thought that entering a relationship with her would allow that. But she doesn't love me. She barely even likes me as a person. She lives her life like the countless other sheeple around me. She doesn't get caught up in her thoughts like I do. She isn't affected by other people like I am.

She's given up on love. She's been through so many failed relationships that she's just sick of the whole idea overall. She doesn't think it can work out.

Mairead is the only person I have really felt strongly for. She's the only person I've opened up my heart to. She represented love to me for so long.

She's horribly unhealthy for me, But I can't break the tie I feel between us. Part of me is still left over from the years so long ago when, even though we were young, we had something meaningful, special, and irreplacable.

I need to break the tie, though. But it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. She's the only one that I have ever loved in my life, and I don't want to lose it. I'm holding on to shattered fragments that can never be put back together, no matter how hard you try. But I need to throw them away.

But then what else can I pour my love and attention to?

...

I cried today when I got home. I let it all out. I lied in my bed and sobbed, clutching my pillow like a small child, whimpering and wishing for a time long since past. Wishing for somebody to love.

...

People suck. That's what it all boils down to.

Especially me.

Life Goes On

I just got back from a long bike ride to Flint Hill and back. It was useful. I needed something to clear my mind. After this, I'm going to clean the house more. I feel like I have to get my external world in order if I have any hope of doing the same with my internal world.

I really need to take a break from smoking pot. I need to focus my energy on things more important. Tuning things out won't solve anything, but it's too difficult for me to confront problems as well.

I want to talk to her, yet I know that it won't go over well. I can only express my feelings fully through writing. And talking to her about difficulties has never seemed to work in the past, so why should it work now?

Riding my bike, I began to think about my future, and how my life will be many years from now. Specifically, how will I handle future relationships? Will I only be able to sustain one if a considerable amount of distance is kept between us? I've never had a chance to have an open, meaningful, public relationship with somebody, and I can't help but think it will ruin my possibilities for the future. I feel socially inept, in a way. I'm far more isolated than anyone else I know.

And smoking pot alone all the time doesn't help. I need to stop relying on substances to numb my mind.

But it's the only way I know how to avoid overthinking things. That's my biggest problem. Being so socially isolated, the only person I ever have to talk to or relate to is myself. This has caused me to be extremely self-aware, and far too self-conscious sometimes. And it also gives me far too much time to think about myself and the situations I'm in. I blow them up in my head far past the point where they need to be, when they really arent worth that at all.

Still, I feel as though my situation does suck. My relationship with Mairead is not a healthy one. It never was, except for many, many years ago, when we were both so much younger. I miss those days. I miss naivety.

The main reason that relationship felt so powerful and so important was the fact that we barely ever got to see each other. Seeing her was something special, something meaningful. We completely opened our hearts up to each other.

That relationship was a very intimate relationship, but it had another major difference than with the one I have now. Back then, we were both too reserved to even think about the possiblity of sex. Now, we are both older, and both much more sexually mature. When Mairead and I are alone, we want to have sex. We are much more sexual with our flirting, and much more heavy petting occurs.

I sometimes feel like that's the only reason she wants me. I'm someone who will make her feel good, physically. But she only wants it on her own terms, only when she feels like it. She can control her emotions toward me. She can make herself no longer want to be near me or touch me when others are nearby. She does it to the point where she barely even ecknowledges me at all.

And she either does not seem to notice what an effect it has on me, or doesn't care. I want to be with her all the time. I want to open up my heart to her, like we did so long ago. But it's not possible if she doesn't even show any interest in me. It really hurts me.

Again, I ask myself "Is this finally the end?"

I don't think so. As I knew when she first rejected me at the beginning of the school year, I will always go back to her, should the chance arrive. Even though I know it's bad for me, I simply can't help it.

I don't really want her to forget about me when she's away in Italy. I know I said I did, but saying something over and over again does not make it true. Like when I continually told myself I hated Mairead. I didn't hate her - I couldn't hate her. I really wanted her back more than anything. I just didn't think there was a chance for that - so I tried as hard as I could to douse the dying embers that represented how I felt for her.

She's had so many more relationships than I have. Maybe that's why we can't see things on similar terms. I have more preconcieved notions of how a relationship should be, but she's just sick of the whole thing overall. She's gone through boy after boy, and I don't feel any different than all of them. How can she not remember what things used to be like? How could she have forgotten what we used to have? It was beautiful.

And so the story of the matchstick girl continues...

I was going to come over to her house this weekend. We were planning on having sex. She was going to be at home, alone, and I was excited all week. But then she told me that she didn't think it was possible anymore. She was working on Saturday, and she had too much homework for me to come over today. That's probably why I'm so affected by her today and yesterday. Yet again, I was given hope. I was led to think that this weekend would be fantastic. But, like always, those hopes were dashed.

She already plays so many mind games with me. I can't help but think that adding sex to the picture would complicate things even more. Sometimes I tell myself to never have sex with her, knowing what could happen. I will wait and see if this relationship ever becomes healthy again before I try to do anything.

...

Life goes on.

Mind Games

There's far too much on my mind this morning. Mornings shouldn't be like this. I should wake up with a clear mind - with a freshly shed skin - without having to think about the things that bothered me yesterday.

But, no. She just won't get out of my head.

My life will be so much simpler when she's gone. I'll be able to concentrate on more important things. While she's off in Italy, breaking the hearts of hot Italian guys, I hope she forgets about me. I hope to never see her again after that. I'm sick of this.

She plays too many mind games. It's not intentional, I don't think, but it fucks with my head too much. She keeps pulling me toward her, then pushing me away. It goes back and forth, and, try as I might, I can't completely ignore it. I can't tune it out, even with the aid of mind-altering substances. She's a persistent one.

She doesn't actually like me. I'm not a real friend to her. I'm just someone who is willing to make her feel good. She wants something that I can't give her. I can't control my emotions completely. I can't force myself to no longer want her or to no longer like her. That's what she wants when we aren't alone.

She will make me feel special, make me feel (dare I say it...) loved, and then she'll ignore me and make me feel extraneous and pointless. She only wants me sometimes, and even hardly that. I want her all of the time. I can't help it.

I need to end this, but I can't. Because just when I feel like it's the right time to do it, just when I feel she couldn't possibly push me further away, she pulls me back again.

I don't know what I should do.

Girls suck.

Memories

I used to be a very clingy person. I would choose one person, and be their best and most loyal friend. I would always be there for them, and expect similar friendship in return.

But when high school came around, and when I became basically isolated from everyone else (no longer having internet), my friends changed. Sarah, who'd been the last "best friend" of mine made me aware of what a conceded douchebag I was, and totally threw away our friendship. Mairead and I also grew much more distant, and I no longer felt like I had any real friends. I became depressed and proceeded to write an excessive amount of poetry.

Slowly, I became used to the fact that I no longer had anyone I considered to be a true, caring friend like I considered Mairead and Sarah to be. All I felt I had were acquaintances, but there were no real friends. And so I created some friends to occupy myself, and thus was the birth of Brask, Netsua, and later Marcia. They all had unique personalitites, and I was able to pinpoint which one of them I was at a given time. Brask was blunt, rude, and hurtful, but he always told the truth. Netsua was lamenting and sad most of the time, usually over Mairead. Marcia was the obnoxious side of me, the annoying 9-year-old girl in all of us. And the combination of them all was Austen.

This kept me fairly sane, and allowed for some creative outlooks on things. Having any discrepencies built up in my mind about anything, I would have my conflicting viewpoints organized and simple, each being attached to a different part of me. It made me able to view myself and the different characters inside me as what they are: ideas. This led to my depersonalization. My actions became no longer my own. It felt like I was watching the world through a TV screen. I could see everything that was going on as a third party, observing the different and interesting ways people behave. The concept of "self" became non-existant. I was now one of the people on the TV screen that I observed, noting the different ways that I acted.
Then Mairead came back, and rejected me when I still showed interest in her. This drove me partially insane. I was overtook with grief, torn with the memories of all of the wonderful times we had shared, knowing that they would never come again. It took an immense amount of effort to accept this. I released some of it in the form of rage, punching the ground until my fists became bloody and bruised. Some of the scars are still visible. But this didn't help me, so I became depressed.

I relied on marijuana to relax me and allow me to no longer think about things. I made a conscious decision to get high so I didn't have to think about the things that were on my mind.

And thus Charlie was born.

Charlie doesn't care.

Charlie is happy.

Slowly, I accepted more and more that Mairead was only a friend. But I couldn't completely destroy the affection I felt for her. It would still linger in the back of my mind, refusing to go away. But I perservered, acting like I only felt friendship for her. She obviously didn't want me anymore. Our time together was at an end.

But I still kept trying. I wanted to be her friend so badly. I knew that the love we shared was over, but I couldn't bear to destroy the friendship. I still felt connected to her.

Meanwhile Mairead continually went through several more boyfriends, who she broke the hearts of. I stood by and watched it all unfold, feeling a twinge of jealosy toward the boys she was with, but mostly I felt a bit of anger toward Mairead. Whatever. I tried to put it in the back of my mind, like so many other things.

Eventually, she adopted a strictly 'fuck-off' attitude toward me, and I didn't understand why. I couldn't bear any more of the nonsense. I stated to hate her, believing that it would be the only way I could no longer want her. And the amazing thing was, it worked! I felt secure, finally, and I actually enjoyed making a point of hating her. I was getting my revenge for how she had treated me. She didn't seem to show any sort of guilt, and this fueled my hatred even more. I thought she was a heartless bitch. It felt so good to channel my anger at someone else rather than myself. It's something I wasn't used to.

But then she had to ruin this by doing the one thing I never would have expected. She apologized. She told me she misses me and wants to be my friend, and that she felt sorry for her bitchy behavior.

I later learned that the reason Mairead felt so bad about me hating her was that she still felt a small attraction to me.

So, slowly and with great effort, I reverted my mind away from hating Mairead, and became friends with her. That was all that we were. Things became okay. I became used to being just her friend. Having hated her and having noticed her bad qualities for the first time, I didn't feel very much desire to be with her. She became just another teenage girl.
And things were fairly calm.

Slowly, we became greater and greater friends. I never tried to enter any sort of relationship other than the one we currently had. But, by itself, it evolved into something more.
Mairead invited me over for the weekend (this was the first time she had done this in a verly long time), and, after much struggling with myself, I revived the relationship and turned it into something else. When we had previously been together, our reltionship wasn't remotely sexual. But on that day, so much of the sexual tension that had built up between us was suddenly let out. We shared a fantastic evening, and, had circumstances allowed for it, we would have most definitely had sex.

We became very close again. But we both had expressed that we didn't want to 'date' publicly. We didn't want to deal with how other people would react to us. We wanted to keep it all a secret.

And so, for a week, we were mostly inseperable. However, we encountered some embarassing situations where poelpe walked in on us making out. By the end of the week, at least 10 people knew, people that we had never intended to know.

The week ended, and I didn't see or talk to Mairead for four days over Spring Break.
And when she came back, she was barely interested in me anymore. She tried at the beginning of the week, I could tell, but there was no genuine interest in public. I didn't feel like she considered me to be special, and I became scared that she didn't want me anymore. She reassured me that she did, and that I shouldn't worry about it. This kept me sure and happy for a short time, but she continued to show little to no interest in me at all. I was confused. I thought she didn't want me any more.

So I gave her a break. I stopped trying to talk with her, which was more out of embarassment than anything else. She knew I still wanted her, and she didn't want me. I'd been through enough of that to take it again. We never officially ended anything between us, because we barely were able to talk.

Today I wrote her a note explaining how I felt, knowing that it would be the only way to get in contact with her privately. At the end, I requested that she please approach me and talk to me when she finishes the note. I placed it in her backpack, and, at the end of the day, it was no longer there. She must have read it, but, despite plenty of opportunities to talk to me privately at my request, she didn't. In fact, she was acting no different to me as if she hadn't gotten the note.

So I don't feel like I matter to her at all anymore.

I'll wait and see if she does try to talk to me at all. It really annoyed me that she didn't. But I'm used to being rejected by her. I've basically lost all hope, and, this time around, acceptance is easier. After all, I entered this fleeting arrangement prefectly aware of how it would turn out in the end. I knew she would grow tired of me. She always does.

But, like always, there is that tiny twinge of hope in the back of mind. Keeping it surpressed is the only way I know how to avoid massive disappointment when I am completely rejected by her again.

Sorry

I'm sorry, Brask.


Really, I am. I know you are just screaming "I TOLD YOU SO, YOU FUCKING DUMBASS!" all the time now. I don't want you to be right, but you are. You always are.


The way it feels right now:


Mairead wanted me because she couldn't have me. And now that she can have me, she doesn't want me anymore. She isn't very interested with me at all anymore. I don't mean anything special to her, other than someone who is able to make her feel physically good. But she doesn't really want me. She wants a body that is willing to please her. I wish I wasn't so good at pleasing her. I can't handle this. I can't stand this anymore. I thought everything would be okay. I thought everything we had would be back.


I want some confirmation of SOMETHING. Again, I don't care what everything ends up to be, I want to KNOW something for certain. I want to talk to her about this, but an opportunity never arises. She is always either in some sort of bitchy, angry, complaining mood, or is with her group of girlfriends, or Nigel is around. And on the rare occasion that I do get the chance to talk to her, none of the words come out right.


Brask, please accept my apologies. You knew I would do this from the beginning. You knew it was inevitable. And you knew that I would feel this way in the end.


Is it the end? Do I want it to be the end?


It can't be the end - you and I both know that. Things will have to either be destroyed or resolved. I'm sorry, Brask, but I have to fix this. I know you want me to just end it all as soon as possible, but I can't do that. It may take a while, but I will fix this problem that I am having, one way or another. Your way may be the right way to go. Netsua's way may also be the right decision.


I know it hasn't happened yet, but there is always, and always will be, the chance that you are wrong. Accept that. I will try other things before I resort to your way. I have too much of a concsience to bluntly hurt people. You know that.


Only time can tell what happens next.


...TIME MACHINE!