Weighing the choices.

Well.

Life keeps changing. Today I went to Wakefield with Toni for a tour of the school. I saw Bret, who played Jack in The Importance Of Being Earnest. That was awesome. I miss that guy.

I also say Katie, the girl who played Gwendolen, and HOT DAMN she has developed. She's grown about three inches, too.

Long story short - I still don't want to go there. Far too conservative for me. Painfully so.

The school board meeting is going to be tomorrow night. I just received word from Dr. Boone (the superintendent) today that I can only bring 3 people to the meeting, contrary to what we were told before. Mom and I have already rallied a great many people to come to the meeting in support of me, and I hope I won't have to tell them all not to come. It'll all depend on what the Board Chairman decides.

Sometime this week, Toni and I plan to schedule a tour of Highland, which is my other choice. I'm much more leaning towards it right now, but I don't have much of an impression about it. Maybe I won't like it at all. Maybe it'll be even more conservative than Wakefield.

But they do have a good drama and band program. There's a plus.

The Shit Hit The Fan.

It really started to hit me about half an hour ago how shitty this whole situation is. Depression starting to sit in. Playing guitar certainly helps.

I've been suspended for the rest of the year. Mom appealed this already to the school board. She's spent the day calling people to let them know about the meeting.

There are so many people behind me. It's incredibly hard to handle.

Writing is hard right now. I'll come back to this later.

...

I need to take a walk. I wish I could just walk away from all of this. I'm sick of thinking about it.

But it's too cold, damn it.

I should write a poem.

So many disconnected thoughts. This situation overloads my brain. I've been successfully not thinking about it all day, but then I realized that, when I wake up tomorrow, all this shit will still be happening.

I need a shower.

...

Dad said that I could really use a girlfriend right now. God, that would be nice. Maybe I'll meet someone nice at Highland or Wakefield. Just having someone to hold, to tell me it's okay. It would make this so much easier.

I really don't want to go to Wakefield. It's very conservative, and they don't even have a drama program. I met some of the people who go there during The Importance Of Being Earnest, and I think it's safe to say they are, for the most part, arrogant rich kids.

A lot of people think I'm arrogant. Maybe I'll fit in there, then.

I don't think I'm arrogant. I used to be, but I've changed a lot.

...

I miss improv in acting class. A lot.

I should go to sleep.

Good night.

...

Or not. God. I need a hug.

I don't really have anything else to say. It feels somehow comforting to have notepad open, ready for me to share my innermost thoughts with it.

But it can't give hugs. That's the problem, because what I need most right now is a hug.

I don't want to fall asleep, because it means I have to wake up in the morning. With a fresh, clear, vulnerable mind.

...

I feel guilty. I feel awful. I feel tired. I feel sick of this entire thing.

My life feels like a train-wreck. The train's cars pile up, one by one, without sign of slowing down, each slamming hard against its leader.

The shit hit the fan. Still, it could be worse, I guess.

I guess...

A Fresh Start

Somehow, I feel immensely excited. Why would I have any reason to be disappointed?

Bye, bye, RCHS. Good fucking riddance to you. You and your stumpy little ass of a principal. Your pathetic students who aren't going to do anything in life. I don't need you, and you don't want me. So why should I be disappointed?

Time to move on. I've never been very good at fresh starts. BUSTI is a good example. I fucked up my reputation there just by being the socially awkward bull-in-a-china-shop kid. That's where a fresh start got me. Miserable.

But still, I'm happy. Ecstatic. Or something. Some powerful emotion is welling up inside me. Excitement sure is there.

After finding out I wasn't going to be in the play or in band, I developed a fuck-all attitude. I was completely prepared to never go back again. And that's the plan. Hello, Wakefield. Hello, Highland. Good riddance to you, Rappahannock County High School.

Someday I'll write a song about this. Maybe it'll be today.

I want to scream out to the sky in joy.

I just did.

A fresh start.

Musings

Hey there.

So the meeting is going to be on the 4th, rather than the 3rd, which is the day of auditions. So I won't be able to be in the play, regardless of the outcome. Oh well.

For New Year's, I played at the Town Hall in Little Washington for The Historical Society's party. It was more fun than I thought it would be, and, though I was extremely nervous beforehand, I received many compliments. It was the second time I had ever played in front of a crowd.

Mom recorded some of the songs, but her phone's sound quality is lousy as hell.

I went to the second read-through of Proof today. I had forgeotten about it, actually, so I was surprised when Andy showed up to pick me up. It's going very well. I discovered many more aspects of my character, Harold Dobbs, A.K.A. Hal. Selfish aspects.

The bandwidth for the last month has gone over, so I haven't been online lately. This leaves Oblivion and guitar to occupy my time. I've been gllued to Oblivion all Christmas Break, and I just won it yesterday. Cheating, of course, but it still counts.

Morgan came back from college. Then she went away for a week. She just returned this afternoon while I was at the read-through.

Still need to get a new calendar for 2011. Oh, yeah. Happy New Year and stuff.

...

Don't know how I'm going to handle going back to school. I've been kicked out of band, and now it's highly unlikely that I'll be in the musical, unless something fantastically unexpected happens. It's going to be strange. I'll still be in Quiz Bowl, but it's nowhere near the same.

Stinkbugs continue to plague my room. I just flicked one off my shoulder. I gave up on trying to exterminate them a long time ago. I used to take rubber bands and deliver one, quick, painless blow, but it's not worth it anymore.

My phone was lost for a long time. Well, not lost, but it was unusable at Miguel's. It took me ages to get it back, no thanks to Mom's laziness.

She still hasn't taken me to get my Learner's permit. It blows my fucking mind, how lazy she can be. I've practically given up on it. Every time I approach her about it or try to offer a time when we can do it, she absolutely and utterly refuses to agree to ANYTHING. It makes me want to punch a wall.

And she also told me she'd take me Christmas shopping, which she has neglected horribly. I had really hoped to get presents for people, but oh, well. It's a lost cause now.

At least I've been working. I made about $60 cleaning a house at Cory's, $15 an hour. But it's useless having money if I can't spend it.

I sort of miss Boston for that reason. I had complete control over myself. Maybe that's what fucked with my head so much. I wasn't ready for it.

Even though I was damn good at it. Anything I wanted, I could walk outside and GET. It was ridiculously convenient.

...

I wish I could just say to this damn school system "Screw you guys, I'm going home." But I can't, because it's the only resource of its kind that I have.

Let's see what happens.