Last night, I couldn't fall asleep for a long time because I couldn't stop thinking. About my own validity as an artist, and potential for success.

I know how good I am better than anybody else, so I shouldn't judge myself on how others view me. The thing is, many others view me in high esteem that I know I do not deserve. I am a relatively tiny fish, and I'm about to enter a giant ocean of talented and amazing people, and it's scary as fuck.

My guitar and writing skills are both lacking. I am usually unable to express raw emotion. I don't know why. I've become guarded and scared of myself, I guess. I mean, look at those songs I wrote when I was getting over Mairead. You can hear in the music so much raw emotion and sincerity. Why can't I replicate that today? I want to be able to, but I don't think I feel as much anymore. It worries me.

My guitar skills have surely been helped by my obsession with The Mountain Goats (which I admit is coming to a close), but in a way, they've also been hindered. It's placed me into an unhealthy habit of replicating his singing style and guitar style, even with the songs that I write. This is not sincere. This is not honest. This is not me.

I just don't think I deserve some of the praise I receive, and I worry that those who know that I do not deserve it think that I believe I do deserve it. I don't want people to think that way. I know me more than anyone else, and I am suffering no delusions as to how far my talents stretch.

There's more, but Siri is messaging me. I might keep this up later if it's still bothering me.

A brain dump

I need to write one of my college essays today. I'm totally tired, though, so I figured I'd write a blog post to clear my foggy mind.

I am not used to posting. When I did post in my blog, it allowed me an opportunity to organize my thoughts. Everything was clearly in order, with all the details clearly defined in my head. Lately, though, I haven't thought like that. It's because I haven't been writing in my blog I feel like it's also caused my memory to be not as good as it once was, since I have little incentive to remember the details about what happened to me during the day or what I thought about.

It's effectively a brain dump, this blog. Is it actually helpful to my writing development? Not sure about that. I do tend to ramble and not think about what I type when I'm writing on my blog. It's not like I have an audience. This is just a journal.

It provided an great medium for which to vent on, or clear my head with. There's something comforting knowing that a piece of information or a thought or opinion is written down, rather than just left spinning in my head.

I am right now listening to Modest Mouse's Gravity Rides Everything, and I'm wondering how many times I have written n my blog while listening to this exact song. Surely it must have been a ton. Modest Mouse was my go-to band while writing. I know the music so utterly well that it's just background noise that I can't be distracted from. Its unobtrusiveness allows me to think un-self-consciously.

I haven't been ignoring channeling my writing abilities. I've been still writing poems, though it's admittedly not as often as I once did. Lately, I've been concentrating on trying to write some original songs. I'm slowly amassing more and more, some being better than others.

Whenever I feel dissatisfied with a poem or song I've written, I think back to John Darnielle, my favorite artist, and his first album. He made it in his early twenties and it's god-awful. I then realize I'm only 17 and I'm already producing material better than him. and look how amazing his music has got with dedication to his work, leaving all of the old projects behind him. It inspires me to write songs even if they are not perfect, and at this stage, constant production is the only thing that will allow me to get better.

This has cleared my mind a little bit. I feel a little bit better, more mentally energized than before. I'm going to do some exercises now to wake me up further.

Later, Bloggy,
Austen

I RETURN

Well, hot damn, it sure has been a while. I gave up on writing in this so long ago, and I'm not sure if this post marks the end of that streak or not. Regardless, here I am, and here' I'm posting.

For some reason, I had a great desire to upload some of my old poetry (which I've produced a lot of since last post) to the internet, specifically sending it to Siri. It's much quicker than typing each poem out by itself.

I've been bogged down with college applications and audition materials lately, as well as four AP classes and daily swimming practice, so I've got hardly any time anymore. Thanksgiving break is starting, though, so I'll get a little bit of a break. Maybe I'll decide to sit down and write myself a blog post.

Surely I, the sole reader of this blog which is my own, know of this already, but just in case some future civilization stumbles across here and is interested in me, here are the websites where I currently post the music that I've been covering/writing:

soundcloud.com/austencloud

limebooth.com/profiles/brask

youtube.com/noiro09

Been making a bit of a name for myself via the internet. It's helped me to become much less self-conscious about my own music-making, and encouraged me to keep it up. Sometimes. Sometimes it discourages me, but usually not.

Writing songs and producing them has become a major part of my life lately. It's comforting to know, also, that I'm technically still a kid and an amateur, which gives me some room to experiment and not feel too bad if the result is crappy.

I suppose that's enough for right now. I might write more later tonight if something striking comes to mind.