Indecision and Confusion

Yeah. Things and stuff.

Over the past few weeks, things keep coming to my head about what to write about. But I've been too lazy/apathetic/reluctant to actually convert them to words. And now that I actually feel like sitting down and writing, not much is on my mind anymore. I hate it when that happens.
Reading and thinking about this and the previous blogs that I've had, I'm realizing (Jesus Christ, it took you this long, Austen?) that Mairead is inevitably going to be the only thing I will ever really desire to write about on this blog. Though much, much less than before, she is still a pretty major part of my life and my thoughts.

After she started being a huge hyper-bitch to me, I decided I didn't care anymore. I realized my major flaw in the whole scenario is that I was trying so hard. Trying something out implies that you expect, at least partially, to succeed. I tried very hard to restore with Mairead the friendship that we once had, and was met with failure and disappointment, leaving me in a worse position than I had been before.

So I decided not only to no longer try, but to completely stay away from Mairead altogether. I made myself hate her, and I was pretty justified for it, I think. I didn't talk to her, I left the conversation if she became a part of it, and, if we ever crossed paths in the hallway or something, I would deliberately avoid eye contact. And it felt so good to hate her. It was so easy!

She didn't seem to be even slightly affected by any of this, and I didn't care about it. In a way, I had hoped for that to happen. It meant I could go on hating her without feeling any guilt. I figured she had just become a selfish bitch, and that that was the way she'd remain. I had completely given up on her. If someone said anything bad about her, I would inevitably agree.
This was partly just because I didn't want to be around her, but also a bit of an effort to make her feel like crap. I was sick of taking crap from her and putting up with it, not doing anything about it. And, over time, she has made me feel worse than I've ever felt in my life. I wanted to return those negative feelings.

And that was SO EASY. I found it so much easier to be around her, because I maintained a fuck-off attitude towards her, shown with my refusal to communicate with her. I felt so happy, knowing that she was a heartless bitch and that I could finally forget about her.
And then she did something shocking that completely shattered all of this. She apologized. I didn't think it could possibly happen. I didn't think she had even noticed or cared about my decision to no longer be affiliated with her.

She didn't show it openly, but she really did want me to start talking to her again. I thanked her for her apology, and gave her a hug. And that was the last time I talked to her. It was on Thursday. Today is Sunday.

This is greatly distressing to me, and equally relieving. It's distressing because I can't hate her without feeling guilty anymore, because I now know her not to be the heartless bitch that I thought she was.

And it's relieving because deep down, all that I wanted was for this whole thing to be resolved, and for her to recognize that she had done wrong, and seriously hurt me.

*sigh*

I guess we'll see how things go.

...

I was talking to Brittany Stephens. She told me that Mairead is still slightly attracted to me. I guess Mairead could have been frustrated with that, which is what caused her to be such a bitch to me.

...My situation is unfortunately similar. If this is the case, (and I certainly hope it isn't), then I can partially understand her viewpoint.

I am not attracted to Mairead in an intimate way anymore. But she's been too much a part of my life to be ignored. She is there, if not in plain sight, then in my head. Jeez, I had completely blocked her out of my mind. Any thought about her that I had was shoved into the back of my mind. And when she apologized, it was as if all those thoughts came racing back into existence, and they completely filled my brain up.

I'm going to stop before I start to ramble on too much.

*EDIT*

Oh, by the way, Mairead broke up with Ely. I gave him a high-five.