Controlled Schizophrenia

Hello.


I realized long ago that the only thing I ever really feel I need to write about is Mairead. And that fact irritated me for so long. But, eventually, I came to accept it and not really care anymore.


Recent occurences suggest that Mairead wants me back. A month or so ago, I recieved a note from her, after she had apologized to me for her bitchy behavior. I don't remember the exact words, but it basically said that she wasn't really very sure of how she felt about me. She said that her body is speaking much louder than her heart right now, but she knows that she still wants me back. I responded saying that I'm sorry if it seems like I've been still ignoring her, and that I don't really mean any ill will toward her. It was just hard for my mind, after having totally refuted any possible ideas involving her and I being together even as friends, to revert back to the state it had been in.


But even during the period of time when I hated her, I still wanted her back. After all, how could I have made such a big deal about it if I wasn't still "in love" with her? I used quotations around "in love" because now even I'm not sure what that means anymore.


Anyway, nothing happened for a while. I wasn't ignoring her or being rude to her in any way, but we weren't exactly best friends either. Her actions didn't seem to suggest at all that she was going to make any attempt to make me come back to her. I brushed it off my shoulder, thinking this was yet again one of the instances in which she feels strongly for someone for a very short period of time, and then loses it.


But lately, she's been more direct about things. She obviously wants to be close to me, and I obviously want to be close to her.


There are so many conflicting views on this in my mind. So, hypothetically, let's just say that we kissed. How would I - more accurately, how would WE - feel about it?


Brask-
Umm, excuse me, but WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? Are you SERIOUSLY planning on going back to this girl, after what she's done to you!? You KNOW that she's going to dump you again, and make you feel like shit once more! Do you REALLY want that!?


...


Austen-
Oh, Brask. You and your undeniable logic. Why do you have to be so RIGHT all the time? Can't you just let things slide?


Netsua-
For the most part, I agree with Brask. She has the potential to make you miserable again. And you know that you don't want that. But shouldn't you be concentrating on the present, rather than the past? If you can make each other happy, at least for a short time, isn't that better than the guilt you'd feel if you didn't go through with this, and the guilt she'd feel at thinking that her previous actions are what caused you not to go through with this? She already made it clear that she regrets her actions, and feels guilty about what she's done. Do you really want to cause more of these negative feelings?


Austen-
No, I don't. I just want to put the past behind me and let things happen.


Marcia-
(Marcia would be too wrapped up in joy to be able to say anything intelligible)


Austen-
Marcia? Hello? You there?


Charlie-
Sweet. I'm kissing a girl.


Austen-
Charlie, you rock. You don't give a shit about anything. You are just so chill all the time. High five.


...


Controlled schizophrenia. It is a wonderful tool to organize my thoughts on conflicting points of view.