I just got back from a long bike ride to Flint Hill and back. It was useful. I needed something to clear my mind. After this, I'm going to clean the house more. I feel like I have to get my external world in order if I have any hope of doing the same with my internal world.
I really need to take a break from smoking pot. I need to focus my energy on things more important. Tuning things out won't solve anything, but it's too difficult for me to confront problems as well.
I want to talk to her, yet I know that it won't go over well. I can only express my feelings fully through writing. And talking to her about difficulties has never seemed to work in the past, so why should it work now?
Riding my bike, I began to think about my future, and how my life will be many years from now. Specifically, how will I handle future relationships? Will I only be able to sustain one if a considerable amount of distance is kept between us? I've never had a chance to have an open, meaningful, public relationship with somebody, and I can't help but think it will ruin my possibilities for the future. I feel socially inept, in a way. I'm far more isolated than anyone else I know.
And smoking pot alone all the time doesn't help. I need to stop relying on substances to numb my mind.
But it's the only way I know how to avoid overthinking things. That's my biggest problem. Being so socially isolated, the only person I ever have to talk to or relate to is myself. This has caused me to be extremely self-aware, and far too self-conscious sometimes. And it also gives me far too much time to think about myself and the situations I'm in. I blow them up in my head far past the point where they need to be, when they really arent worth that at all.
Still, I feel as though my situation does suck. My relationship with Mairead is not a healthy one. It never was, except for many, many years ago, when we were both so much younger. I miss those days. I miss naivety.
The main reason that relationship felt so powerful and so important was the fact that we barely ever got to see each other. Seeing her was something special, something meaningful. We completely opened our hearts up to each other.
That relationship was a very intimate relationship, but it had another major difference than with the one I have now. Back then, we were both too reserved to even think about the possiblity of sex. Now, we are both older, and both much more sexually mature. When Mairead and I are alone, we want to have sex. We are much more sexual with our flirting, and much more heavy petting occurs.
I sometimes feel like that's the only reason she wants me. I'm someone who will make her feel good, physically. But she only wants it on her own terms, only when she feels like it. She can control her emotions toward me. She can make herself no longer want to be near me or touch me when others are nearby. She does it to the point where she barely even ecknowledges me at all.
And she either does not seem to notice what an effect it has on me, or doesn't care. I want to be with her all the time. I want to open up my heart to her, like we did so long ago. But it's not possible if she doesn't even show any interest in me. It really hurts me.
Again, I ask myself "Is this finally the end?"
I don't think so. As I knew when she first rejected me at the beginning of the school year, I will always go back to her, should the chance arrive. Even though I know it's bad for me, I simply can't help it.
I don't really want her to forget about me when she's away in Italy. I know I said I did, but saying something over and over again does not make it true. Like when I continually told myself I hated Mairead. I didn't hate her - I couldn't hate her. I really wanted her back more than anything. I just didn't think there was a chance for that - so I tried as hard as I could to douse the dying embers that represented how I felt for her.
She's had so many more relationships than I have. Maybe that's why we can't see things on similar terms. I have more preconcieved notions of how a relationship should be, but she's just sick of the whole thing overall. She's gone through boy after boy, and I don't feel any different than all of them. How can she not remember what things used to be like? How could she have forgotten what we used to have? It was beautiful.
And so the story of the matchstick girl continues...
I was going to come over to her house this weekend. We were planning on having sex. She was going to be at home, alone, and I was excited all week. But then she told me that she didn't think it was possible anymore. She was working on Saturday, and she had too much homework for me to come over today. That's probably why I'm so affected by her today and yesterday. Yet again, I was given hope. I was led to think that this weekend would be fantastic. But, like always, those hopes were dashed.
She already plays so many mind games with me. I can't help but think that adding sex to the picture would complicate things even more. Sometimes I tell myself to never have sex with her, knowing what could happen. I will wait and see if this relationship ever becomes healthy again before I try to do anything.
...
Life goes on.
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