Sorry

I'm sorry, Brask.


Really, I am. I know you are just screaming "I TOLD YOU SO, YOU FUCKING DUMBASS!" all the time now. I don't want you to be right, but you are. You always are.


The way it feels right now:


Mairead wanted me because she couldn't have me. And now that she can have me, she doesn't want me anymore. She isn't very interested with me at all anymore. I don't mean anything special to her, other than someone who is able to make her feel physically good. But she doesn't really want me. She wants a body that is willing to please her. I wish I wasn't so good at pleasing her. I can't handle this. I can't stand this anymore. I thought everything would be okay. I thought everything we had would be back.


I want some confirmation of SOMETHING. Again, I don't care what everything ends up to be, I want to KNOW something for certain. I want to talk to her about this, but an opportunity never arises. She is always either in some sort of bitchy, angry, complaining mood, or is with her group of girlfriends, or Nigel is around. And on the rare occasion that I do get the chance to talk to her, none of the words come out right.


Brask, please accept my apologies. You knew I would do this from the beginning. You knew it was inevitable. And you knew that I would feel this way in the end.


Is it the end? Do I want it to be the end?


It can't be the end - you and I both know that. Things will have to either be destroyed or resolved. I'm sorry, Brask, but I have to fix this. I know you want me to just end it all as soon as possible, but I can't do that. It may take a while, but I will fix this problem that I am having, one way or another. Your way may be the right way to go. Netsua's way may also be the right decision.


I know it hasn't happened yet, but there is always, and always will be, the chance that you are wrong. Accept that. I will try other things before I resort to your way. I have too much of a concsience to bluntly hurt people. You know that.


Only time can tell what happens next.


...TIME MACHINE!