Somebody To Love

I need somebody to love.

That's all I need. Somebody to pour out all of the emotion I have inside myself on. Someone to open my heart to. Someone who will stay by my side through thick and thin. Someone who loves me back, who cares about my feelings, who understands me, who opens up their heart to me.

But people suck. That's what it all boils down to. People just suck.

My life keeps changing. This is only temporary, this stage of life. Not too long from now, it will be just a memory.

I don't overthink things. No, I think of things on a very good level. I'm glad I'm so contemplative. It's the only thing keeping me sane.

Will I ever be able to open up my heart to anyone again?

Why is it that every time I get used to the life that I'm living, it has to go and change? I grew so used to the love Mairead and I shared so long ago, but then it ended, and I was devastated. Eventually, I grew used to it. Mairead came back, after a long period of silence. She rejected me, and, yet again, I was devastated. But it was okay, because I grew used to that too. Mairead and I became friends, and I became used to the fact that that would be all that we would ever be. I accepted it. It took me a long time, but I accepted it as the way things were. And then my life took another sharp turn.

I began hating Mairead, and I became so used to that too. I enjoyed it. It was easy. Nothing had ever felt so good. And then she apologized, ruining any hopes of me being able to justify hating her anymore.

Again, I was devastated. But I grew used to it. I became her friend once more. Again, I thought that would be the way things would remain forever.

Until we started messing around again.

I knew from the start that it could not end well. I knew that I would end up devastated again, as always. I was extremely reluctant to go back to her, and with good reason.

But I did. Inevitable, really.

I never grew used to the fact that we were somehow sustaining a 'relationship' without any sort of love involved. It was all physical. But I went along with it anyway.

And it started to tear me apart slowly. More and more pain built up over time as I came to realize that she didn't want me in the way I wanted her. I tried to ignore it. I tried to do what everyone's trying to do - just get by. I used marijuana to tune it all out. It helped, for the most part. I grew used to the fact that my opinons of her would continue flip-flopping back and forth, until she went to Italy and completely disappeared from my life.

Today, I made Mairead as aware as I could of what she's doing to me, and how cruel it is. I explained, to the best of my abilities, how I felt. But I didn't get to finish. Though I think my main point was clear, far too many things were left unsaid.

And I still don't think she gets it. I want to tell her more - to open up my heart one last time to her, but it will be hard. She's too wrapped up in herself. She can't understand my point of view. I want - and I need - somebody to love, and I thought that entering a relationship with her would allow that. But she doesn't love me. She barely even likes me as a person. She lives her life like the countless other sheeple around me. She doesn't get caught up in her thoughts like I do. She isn't affected by other people like I am.

She's given up on love. She's been through so many failed relationships that she's just sick of the whole idea overall. She doesn't think it can work out.

Mairead is the only person I have really felt strongly for. She's the only person I've opened up my heart to. She represented love to me for so long.

She's horribly unhealthy for me, But I can't break the tie I feel between us. Part of me is still left over from the years so long ago when, even though we were young, we had something meaningful, special, and irreplacable.

I need to break the tie, though. But it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. She's the only one that I have ever loved in my life, and I don't want to lose it. I'm holding on to shattered fragments that can never be put back together, no matter how hard you try. But I need to throw them away.

But then what else can I pour my love and attention to?

...

I cried today when I got home. I let it all out. I lied in my bed and sobbed, clutching my pillow like a small child, whimpering and wishing for a time long since past. Wishing for somebody to love.

...

People suck. That's what it all boils down to.

Especially me.